Carl Brutananadilewski

Watch me totally own this Nigerian dude.

DEAR NIGERIAN DUDE,

HEY WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE CAPS-LOCK? YOU GOTTA LOOK INTO THAT MY FRIEND. Sometimes I get Tab stuck in my keyboard. The drink, not the key.

But back to our confidential business. DON’T TAKE ME FOR A MORON. You think you can trick me into thinking I’m gonna get 20% of your 47 BAJILLION BUCKS and I’m just gonna give you my bank account information and be happy? Don’t make me come over there and KICK YOUR ASS. Carl Brutananadilewski will NOT be scammed.

I’m not gonna do this thing for ANY LESS than 35%, you hear me?

Fiduciarily yours,

Carl Brutananadilewski, ESQ

That’s right baby, you deal with Carl, you’re dealin’ with some FREAKIN’ HARDBALL.

LAGOS, NIGERIA.

ATTENTION: CARL BRUTANANADILEWSKI

DEAR SIR,

CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE NIGERIAN CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF $47,500,000.00 (FORTY SEVEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) INTO YOUR ACCOUNTS. THE ABOVE SUM RESULTED FROM AN OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT, EXECUTED COMMISSIONED AND PAID FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS (5) AGO BY A FOREIGN CONTRACTOR. THIS ACTION WAS HOWEVER INTENTIONAL AND SINCE THEN THE FUND HAS BEEN IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA APEX BANK.

WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE FUND OVERSEAS AND THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO OPERATE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT; THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 70% FOR US, 25% FOR YOU AND 5% FOR LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES INCIDENT TO THE TRANSFER.

THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM AN ACCOUNTANT WITH THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION (NNPC). IF YOU FIND THIS PROPOSAL ACCEPTABLE, WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:

(A) YOUR BANKER’S NAME, TELEPHONE, ACCOUNT AND FAX NUMBERS.

(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS — FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.

(C) YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER STAMPED AND SIGNED.

ALTERNATIVELY WE WILL FURNISH YOU WITH THE TEXT OF WHAT TO TYPE INTO YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER, ALONG WITH A BREAKDOWN EXPLAINING, COMPREHENSIVELY WHAT WE REQUIRE OF YOU. THE BUSINESS WILL TAKE US THIRTY (30) WORKING DAYS TO ACCOMPLISH.

PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.

BEST REGARDS

You see that? 20% of 47 BAJILLION! That’s at least a million bucks to yours truly (me). Boooooyyyy oh boy I’m gonna LIVE at Melon Shakers (the gentlemen’s club) in 30 days.

I will keep you updated suckers! YEEAAHHHHHHHHHH!

When I get rich I’m buying my partner a keyboard that don’t have the caps-lock stuck. And maybe I’ll replace this Commodore. 47 BAJILLION BABY! FREAKIN’ AWESOME!

That’s right ladies, GET READY. I already signed up for that Adult Friend Finder there and I tricked this Nigerian RETARD into giving me 47 BAJILLION BIG ONES! Yeaaaaahhhhhhh!

SUCK THAT, FRYLOCK!

When that guy sends me the money I’m gettin’ me the biggest above-ground pool you ever SEEN! With the HD underwater TV and a fridge for the brewksies. TOP OF THEE LINE. It’s gonna be FREAKIN’ SWEET!

Then two words: TRANS AM BABY!