Hey Peter, here’s ten things I think I think about how Peter King thinks I think he SUCKS!

1. You suck!
2. I bet your daughter’s hot now but will become a mocha-guzzling grass grazer like you in 10 years.
3. My ass can fart better fantasy picks then you. You think it’s a tip to tell me to start LT this week or bench Nick Goings? Fart fart fart!
4. Drink a normal American coffee and quit it with the White Chocolate Semen Latte crap. More like “coffeeturdness” YEAH! Go back to France!
5. You freakin’ suck!
6. Hey, quit talking about baseball in a FOOTBALL column. MMQB don’t stand for Monday Morning Queerball.
7. Quit doing 7a and 7b and all that crap with the letters and what not. This ain’t a spelling bee, friend.
8. Why don’t you and Madden get a room with Farrrv and just get it over with? Sexually I mean, in the butt. Brett looks like a gentle lover.
9. Stop starting all your stories with “I just off the phone with Lance Briggs and he told me whatever blah blah blah.” I will assume that if you quote the guy that you talked to him. I don’t care that you have him on speed dial right between Starbucks Customer Support and the NAMBLA Party Line.
10. That factoid of the week only does interest you. Why do you say things like factoid you queeroid?

DEAR NIGERIAN DUDE,

Okay buddy I accept your offer.  Let’s do this thing.

BANK: JERSEY CREDIT UNION & GROCERY STORE.

ACCOUNT #: XXXXXXXXXXX

PIN #: XXXX

When will I have the money?

Ha HA!  You think I’m stupid enough to publish my REAL bank account number on the interweb?

DEAR MR BRUTANANADILEWSKI ESQ

I HAVE DISCUSSED THE MATTER REGARDING THE PERCENTAGE YOU REQUESTED TO WIT 35% WITH MY SUPERIORS AND AFTER LONG DELIBERATION WE HAVE DECIDED THAT A MAN OF YOUR HIGH STANDING DESERVES NOT ONLY 35% BUT 40%. ON COMPLETION OF OUR DEAL THEN WE SHALL DEPOSIT INTO YOUR BANKING ACCOUNT THE AMOUNT OF NINE MILLION (9,000,000) US DOLLARS WHICH IS 40% (FORTY) PERCENT OF THE TO BE TRANSFERRED AMOUNT OF 47,500,000 MILLION US DOLLARS. WE HOPE YOU ARE PLEASED WITH OUR OFFER. KINDLY SEND ME YOUR BANKING ACCOUNT DETAILS SO THAT WE MAY PROCESS THE TRANSFER IN THIRTY (30) DAYS FROM THE TIME OF RECEIVING YOUR BANKING ACCOUNT DETAILS. IT IS A PLEASURE TO WORK WITH YOU SIR AND I LOOK FORWARD TO CONTINUING OUR BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP IN THE FUTURE.

PLEASE SEND YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

REGARDS

That’s how we do freakin’ business in the US of A! By the way I really only wanted 30% but who am I to argue??

NINE. MILLION. DOLLARS.

I cannot freakin’ WAIT to drive my new Trans Am to the Poconos. You know how Carl rolls.

DEAR NIGERIAN DUDE,

HEY WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE CAPS-LOCK? YOU GOTTA LOOK INTO THAT MY FRIEND. Sometimes I get Tab stuck in my keyboard. The drink, not the key.

But back to our confidential business. DON’T TAKE ME FOR A MORON. You think you can trick me into thinking I’m gonna get 20% of your 47 BAJILLION BUCKS and I’m just gonna give you my bank account information and be happy? Don’t make me come over there and KICK YOUR ASS. Carl Brutananadilewski will NOT be scammed.

I’m not gonna do this thing for ANY LESS than 35%, you hear me?

Fiduciarily yours,

Carl Brutananadilewski, ESQ

That’s right baby, you deal with Carl, you’re dealin’ with some FREAKIN’ HARDBALL.

LAGOS, NIGERIA.

ATTENTION: CARL BRUTANANADILEWSKI

DEAR SIR,

CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE NIGERIAN CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF $47,500,000.00 (FORTY SEVEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) INTO YOUR ACCOUNTS. THE ABOVE SUM RESULTED FROM AN OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT, EXECUTED COMMISSIONED AND PAID FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS (5) AGO BY A FOREIGN CONTRACTOR. THIS ACTION WAS HOWEVER INTENTIONAL AND SINCE THEN THE FUND HAS BEEN IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA APEX BANK.

WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE FUND OVERSEAS AND THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO OPERATE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT; THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 70% FOR US, 25% FOR YOU AND 5% FOR LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES INCIDENT TO THE TRANSFER.

THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM AN ACCOUNTANT WITH THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION (NNPC). IF YOU FIND THIS PROPOSAL ACCEPTABLE, WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:

(A) YOUR BANKER’S NAME, TELEPHONE, ACCOUNT AND FAX NUMBERS.

(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS — FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.

(C) YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER STAMPED AND SIGNED.

ALTERNATIVELY WE WILL FURNISH YOU WITH THE TEXT OF WHAT TO TYPE INTO YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER, ALONG WITH A BREAKDOWN EXPLAINING, COMPREHENSIVELY WHAT WE REQUIRE OF YOU. THE BUSINESS WILL TAKE US THIRTY (30) WORKING DAYS TO ACCOMPLISH.

PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.

BEST REGARDS

You see that? 20% of 47 BAJILLION! That’s at least a million bucks to yours truly (me). Boooooyyyy oh boy I’m gonna LIVE at Melon Shakers (the gentlemen’s club) in 30 days.

I will keep you updated suckers! YEEAAHHHHHHHHHH!

When I get rich I’m buying my partner a keyboard that don’t have the caps-lock stuck. And maybe I’ll replace this Commodore. 47 BAJILLION BABY! FREAKIN’ AWESOME!

SUCK THAT, FRYLOCK!

When that guy sends me the money I’m gettin’ me the biggest above-ground pool you ever SEEN! With the HD underwater TV and a fridge for the brewksies. TOP OF THEE LINE. It’s gonna be FREAKIN’ SWEET!

Then two words: TRANS AM BABY!